Sunday, July 7, 2013

My Morning Cup of Tea - White Symphony Style!

Good Morning!

This morning there exists in my cup a blend of white tea that is simply scrumptious! Truly!

My blend of choice is the new-to-me flavor of White Symphony.

It brews up to a delightful pale amber and the flavor is subtle and light. At first taste, the flavor seemed to be very earthy and vegetal. However after the third sip, it becomes a light, almost surreal floral accent with a touch of fruity flavor comes through and is simply... a symphony of flavors. It starts with the tuning of the violins and ends with the beautiful, tear-producing note that makes you stand in awed wonder as you applaud the performers.

I give it a 1 out of 5 for aromatic quality. It has little to no scent while brewing. A 5 out of 5 for flavor and a 5 out of 5 for the Josh factor!

I am in love with it and it makes my tastebuds happy!

Now onto life things. Yesterday I had to go into work and it was not something I was looking forward to in the least. I said as much on Plurk and one of my dear friends gifted a pattern to me on Ravelry as a "something to look forward to coming home to" gift. I was stunned and truly appreciative of all my friends and how much they care for me, love me, and accept me. I really am one lucky guy and to have just even one friend like that would make me a blessed soul, but to have a whole huge group of them, makes me sit in wonder and thankfulness for all they do and that they are there for me.

I've been going through a lot lately and hit many a rough patch. My days turned into sad, dark, despairing days where nothing seemed to help pull me out of my funk and get me going. My friends have been there to comfort me and help me through it, but I still struggle sometimes to even cope with things. I believe it to be a sign of my repressed ideas, thoughts, emotions, and stresses.

Work has been stifling me and holding me back from school, knitting, designing, and life in general. In the past month, I've spent more time at work than at my textbooks. I've spent more time at work than with my family. I've spent more time at work than with my knitting friends. In general, I've spent so much time at work that I have no time to do "me" things.

My coworkers keep asking why I'm not "the normal 'Josh'". Why am I sad? Are you okay? How are you feeling? You scare me Josh by being so quiet. You can't be sad Josh or we all will be sad. Josh, you are dragging the team down. Josh, what's the matter? Can we help you? Josh, you are the emotional anchor of our team and we need you to be you. Josh... Josh... Josh...

This is the culmination of my mood recently. I'm stuck in the quicksand and slowly sinking. This is the feeling I've been feeling: helpless and trapped, stuck in a rut so deep, the very earth cracks beneath my feet. I have no idea who this "Josh" person actually is. I feel lost. I've lost my self-assuredness and just feel as though I wear a mask all the time to hide my pain and feelings from the world. When my coworkers ask why are you so quiet, I adjust the mask and put on a facade of fun and laughter, while cringing and writhing on the inside. At home I wear a mask to protect my family from me. When I talk with friends, I play the strong, lean-on-me character, while despairing over having no one to turn to in my turn. In all spheres, I wear the mask and play my part to keep the facade, the charade, the farse going.

However, there is light in this tale of despair. I can, will, and AM getting past this feeling and to combat it, I draw strength from my friends and instead of having to be the rock for everyone, I am attempting to be a rock for myself. When the therapist (one of my many roles in work and life) is broken, how can one give therapy to others problems? So instead of putting so much imaginary pressure upon myself, I have now come to the realization that I need to take care of me. If that means locking myself into my room and just letting the mask go and let all the things come out, then so be it. If that means thinking on paper and sharing it, then so be it. If that means I turn off all communications for an hour or two, then so be it.

I refuse to play the strong facade anymore and simply be more honest about me and my feelings, thoughts, and states.

This, my friends, is the junk that has been screaming to be let out and all it took was a simple cup of tea.

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