Good Morning, friends!!!
It is a wonderfully romantic snowy morning this morning and silence reigns supreme over the slow Monday morning start. The kettle has yet to whistle, so whilst the water warms up its vocal cords to sing its alluring, enchanting song, I sit to write.
And what should I write today? I could write about how crazily Christmas preparations are buzzing about, review the latest movie I've watched, compose a piece on the state of my bedroom, author a work on the weather of Minnesota, talk about my latest knitting projects, discuss the dichotomy of my current life works/projects/ambitions and my ideal state of being, lecture you on the HUGE difference blocking a shawl can make to your finished object, or even tell you how superficial all of the above is.
I want to talk about me. After all, I am the best version of myself out there and I am pretty much the only one (wearing a tinfoil hat does help prevent Big Brother from accessing this head of mine, FYI) who can convey my thoughts, feelings, and mental state at this moment.
But at the same time I feel the oppressive egoism of that. I feel that no one would wish to hear me talk about me and rather than devoting my time to myself, I should talk about world crises, about love, and pretty much anything that doesn't have anything to do with me.
Yet, even if I accept that I am basically full of myself and can't escape it, I turn to my facade, choosing to talk about what I'm working on, writing, eating, sleeping, drinking, planning on, and pretty much anything but letting my guard down and being real with people. I have a fear of being truly open with people and I've become quite agile at donning a mask while wearing a full suit of armor. I hide behind the superficial and protect myself from the emotional, personal details of my life due to the fear of being invisible, irrelevant, and ignored.
Rather than talking about my fear of failure and conveying my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings on the issues plaguing my brain, I would much rather discuss the latest trends and projects in the knitting world.
Because I don't have to tell you how I really feel. I don't have to share myself with you. I don't have to be open to a closed listener who may not care about how I feel. I don't have to be unprotected.
Deep down I am a deeply sensitive, emotional, and scared kid trying not to let the world know that even though he's twenty-one and officially an adult, that he still feels the age of 11 and very much afraid that others see him as immature. Even though he is a senior in college and projected to graduate in May or June, that he feels like a failure due to being unsuccessful in life. Even though he's working hard to not go into debt during college and succeeding at it, he still feels as though he's a waste of a person. Even though he VERY much enjoys designing knitwear and making creative things, he still feels unaccomplished and unknown and is very concerned about how the public views him.
All of this is in my heart at the moment. I have a fear of being seen as immature, due to the feeling of being judged for living at home with my parents and siblings. I have a fear of failure due to the fact I never receive validation for what I do. I don't get handed a compliment on what I do, nor do I feel that people tell me what they really think about my patterns, designs, projects, compositions, and inventions. But this is more than likely due to my paranoia about what others think of me, my work, or my creations. Rather than take the time to enjoy my artistic endeavors and creations and truly admire my work, I worry over the small failures in the piece or the public's reaction. I fret over whether people will like my things, whether I did enough to get them to even look at it. I rarely take the time to actually admire my creation due to the feeling of being an arrogant, vain prat who is full of himself.
So what does this boil down to? (oh, and in case you were wondering, the kettle has sung its siren's song and I have been steadily consuming hot liquids...)
I care WAAAY too much about how others view me. This is why I have a mask to hide behind. Why I fret and worry and fret some more over my latest creation. Why one slightly negative remark throws all the 100 compliments and positive reviews out the window. Why I stress over the stupid little details of life as though a vengeful higher being is watching the minutia of my life and noting the failures in the moment to moment things. Why I am full of fear.
But today I am taking the time to reflect on the good things in my life and why I have no need to fear what others think and how others feel about me.
First off, I am an artist. I love to take ordinary things in the world's eye and add color, life, vivacity, joy, and light into them. I also love to do the opposite, depending on my feelings toward the piece.
I am an avid tea drinker and lover who will tell you that the Sherlock Holmes tea blend (an enticing blend of lapsang souchong, assam medley, and oriental spice that invokes the ghost of the world's greatest detective) is a beautiful cup of tea for a snowy, contemplative morning. It has deep hues of smokey parlors, mind palaces, and is such a deep, thoughtful blend of tea that one feels lost in the depths of rich mahogany tones. (link to this fabulous blend)
I am a great lover of Chopin, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Brahms, Verdi, Bach, and Handel.
Shakespeare and I have a "thing". So much so that I was recently asked to give an analysis of a sonnet by a coworker who was struggling with deciphering the complex nature of a sonnet by the Bard. (which is a LOVELY exclamation to use, when you need a new exclamatory remark. For example: "By the Bard! It is the twelfth winter's night and I am fairly certain that even two men from Verona would be partying in such sweet sorrow! (which is also a Shakespearean pun of epic and magnanimous proportions, the like of which the very stars dance and sing for thy radiant pleasure))
I am an avid reader and I dabble in the dark arts of poetry and writing occasionally.
I am a knitwear designer. I enjoy taking a concept from paper and converting it into a three-dimensional, functional (or not!) piece of fabric that makes or breaks an outfit, gathering, or even your personal living space. As a knitwear designer, I am truly OBSESSED with shawls and design them constantly. (For example: I was at a coffee shop with my fellow knitting friends recently and whilst talking about our lives and knitting and all of that, I designed a shawl in my mind, grabbed a piece of paper and pen and due to my random thoughts and processes that are going on in my head simultaneously, I was able to keep talking and figure out the maths for the shawl and the concept as well as the colors. This act, rather unfortunately made the conversation stop due to the other knitters' fascination with what I was doing with my paper and pen. Fear not, though, the conversation only paused a moment and continued on. That shawl is now on my needles and is currently 1/4 of the way done)
I am many, many more things than what I've listed above, but the list is good enough for now. It is a step in the right direction. A step taken with positive energy and not focused on the possibility of judgement or failure.
But no matter what I'm going through at the moment, I truly am grateful for a family that supports and cares for me, a group of friends to encourage my endeavors and life my spirits, and finally, a lovely cup of tea with which to take a break from the chaos of life and think on the things that make me and take a moment of relaxation and silence to watch the snow falling down and thinking deeply.
Thank you for drinking this spot of tea with me and may your cup be full of many, many good and positive things today!
Raising my cup of tea to ya!